i thought i'd surprise my boyfriend and actually post something on here again.
contrary to grand original plans, i have abandoned yet another blog...though i learned an important lesson in avoiding the twenty-first century. it doesn't get you places. there is this girl in my department who started the dphil at the same time i did. like me, she was an unfunded student form canada, hoping that somehow, somewhere, someone will take pity on her and help her out. as it turned out, we both applied for the same inter-faculty job. it was a project to get literature into the public sphere - all that stuff about 'impact' that humanities departments are wettting themselves about. it makes sense, in the large scheme of things, especially given when we are (hardly) competing for funding against the sciences, where impact is implied and doesn't need to be explained. they're all out there looking for a cure for cancer or some shit. anyways, i didn't get the position. i was quite eager and hopeful about the job - it consisted of keeping a blog and writing about 'great writers'; maintianing some sort of online presence for the general public that would link them to humanities research. i didn't get it, despite my enthusiasm. i found out the other day that aforementioned girl did.
i feel like i'm playing all my cards wrong. i did this whole rowing thing (stupid, stupid jf!) and because of it was not able to establish myself in the english faculty. i do run the
romantic realignments seminar and website and will continue to do so next year, with many plans for it, but it's not enough, i suppose. i should have gotten myself on the EGO committee when i had the chance. i should have become more involved in the english faculty and what the do. i should have gone to lectures and made myself seen and heard. i should have attended more seminars about things that interest me, even if they are not about romantics. but no, i decided to fucking pack my days with rowing. idiot child.
and now i'll i'm left with is all these '
should haves'. i know i only really wasted a term and a half, but it still feels like a monumental amount of time if i only have 9 terms in total to complete the dphil. maybe doing it in 6 years like they do in america (that's canada too, united states
of america) is a much better idea. and then i'd have guaranteed teaching. it's such a free for all tackle here. i really feel like it's a game of prey and predator between the post-grads.
so now here i am, trying to make up some sort of presence. i've signed up for a workshop on how to maintain an online presence, since i figured i have no idea. i don't use social mediums effectively and am generally speaking, opposed to any sort of 21st century communication. i'd write everyone letters if i could. luddite.
it's going to be a long uphaul battle from here. i'm stuck living next to someone who ceaselessly works 10 hours a day like a mule, fuelling all sorts of wonderful anxieties about how much effort i put in and what i'm getting done. i hate it. it's so negative - it just infuses this incredible feeling of envy (what else can it be?) at his discipline and successes and makes me hope he secretly screws up. gawd, i feel like an awful person. but it all boils down to the same thing: letting go. i don't get why i can't just let him do his shit and be good at what he does. it doesn't in any way step on my toes, we're in different departments after all. but no, it's got to bug me.
it's like with the darned rowing. sometimes i truly do feel that if you're not going to be the best at something there's no point in doing it at all. so i wonder what the fuck i'm still doing here.
umm.
i walked into an at studio today and offered myself up as a life drawing model. the artist and owner said he's booked up full but would love to have me near the end of march. i'm a bit nervous, but this is soething i've always wanted to do, and all i can think about is whether or not i can be 'natural'. perhaps this will be a way in to a new way of thinking about myself in the world.
SEE THIS IS WHY I HATE BLOGGING BECUASE I'M SO EFFING GAY AT IT.
fail.
