i don't like it. at all. not just the important, heavyweight decisions. i don't even like the little ones. making decisions is the devil.
take, for example, this blog. i know metablogging is generally frowned upon, but there is a case in point here: it took me three days to choose a template background. i didn't even make the background, all i had to do was pick it. pick one, any one, start writing. but noooooo - i had to fiddle with fonts (upset at the lack of garamond), fiddle with colours (my inclination is to make everything green, even if it looks bad) and pictures. instead, this is what i ended up with.
the good thing about a blog is that you can change the layout. it's not permanent. permanent decisions scare me.
i consider getting dressed a permanent decision. i will have to pick out something that will keep me warm all day. occasionally, i want it to look nice. but usually, it's about temperature. i should note at this point, that i hoard all my clothes. things i haven't worn for years i can't throw out. i fail at this miserably - i always, always dress wrong for the weather. i usually freeze. or i walk too fast & get warm. but usually freeze.
i remember a recent trip into london where i wanted to look nice, so i wore a dress, with a cardigan and a leather jacket. MISTAKE. i spent the entire afternoon smiling (because my face had frozen that way) and clenching my lower back muscles in some vain attempt to keep my body warm. i ended up with a spastic back and a month-long cough and the bladder of a five-year-old with 2L of sunny D. i don't get sick.
but it gets worse. i get anxious. i start to bite my nails. i am not a nail biter. i was when i was little, and have taken great pride recently in being an 'adult' that has lovely lady-hands. except for when i have to make a decision, when i bite them off. now i have no nails :( i put lemon cream on my nails to stop it. it doesn't work.
today, i was writing an email to my housemates about A New Fridge. but first, i had to show it to my completely uninterested coworker, to confirm that i had written an okay email. he said he'd move out immediately if he lived with me.
sometimes i feel like a little dog. no seriously, like a stupid canine that does something and then looks blankly up at it's owner for confirmation of what it has done. good dog? bad dog? only i stare up innocently before actually doing something. undecisive dog. & if there is no owner, i'll find the nearest passerby.
it is as if the smallest choices (chocolate or vanilla? fish or chicken? black jumper or... other black jumper?) will have some sort of compounding impact on the rest of my life. i can't help but thinking of it as something that remotely looks like this:
take, for example, this blog. i know metablogging is generally frowned upon, but there is a case in point here: it took me three days to choose a template background. i didn't even make the background, all i had to do was pick it. pick one, any one, start writing. but noooooo - i had to fiddle with fonts (upset at the lack of garamond), fiddle with colours (my inclination is to make everything green, even if it looks bad) and pictures. instead, this is what i ended up with.
the good thing about a blog is that you can change the layout. it's not permanent. permanent decisions scare me.
i consider getting dressed a permanent decision. i will have to pick out something that will keep me warm all day. occasionally, i want it to look nice. but usually, it's about temperature. i should note at this point, that i hoard all my clothes. things i haven't worn for years i can't throw out. i fail at this miserably - i always, always dress wrong for the weather. i usually freeze. or i walk too fast & get warm. but usually freeze.
i remember a recent trip into london where i wanted to look nice, so i wore a dress, with a cardigan and a leather jacket. MISTAKE. i spent the entire afternoon smiling (because my face had frozen that way) and clenching my lower back muscles in some vain attempt to keep my body warm. i ended up with a spastic back and a month-long cough and the bladder of a five-year-old with 2L of sunny D. i don't get sick.
but it gets worse. i get anxious. i start to bite my nails. i am not a nail biter. i was when i was little, and have taken great pride recently in being an 'adult' that has lovely lady-hands. except for when i have to make a decision, when i bite them off. now i have no nails :( i put lemon cream on my nails to stop it. it doesn't work.
today, i was writing an email to my housemates about A New Fridge. but first, i had to show it to my completely uninterested coworker, to confirm that i had written an okay email. he said he'd move out immediately if he lived with me.
sometimes i feel like a little dog. no seriously, like a stupid canine that does something and then looks blankly up at it's owner for confirmation of what it has done. good dog? bad dog? only i stare up innocently before actually doing something. undecisive dog. & if there is no owner, i'll find the nearest passerby.
it is as if the smallest choices (chocolate or vanilla? fish or chicken? black jumper or... other black jumper?) will have some sort of compounding impact on the rest of my life. i can't help but thinking of it as something that remotely looks like this:
my problem is that i want ALL the possible leave on this tree. or at least touch them. just once.
this, in the normal world, is not feasible. i would have to double up & go back in time. you cannot pick all the options at once, but i would if i could. all the little leaves. MINE!!!!
whatever bit of the brain is in charge of making decisions, mine is broken :(
it must have broken at some point in childhood, because i recall being completely retarded when it came to choosing outfits. i would pair all my green clothes together. green shoes, green tights, green top, green skirt, green headband, green jumper, green coat. i must have looked like a miniature leprechaun, but my mother knew better than to argue with my refined fashion taste. that was as far as my decision making skills went. everyday, green.
recently, i noticed something funny. my mother was buying my sister's flight and it took her a month. a whole month. she diddled, dallied, and god knows what else, until ticket prices soared up and her & dad were stuck either canceling my sister's visit or forking it out. they forked it out. but it is like this with everything.
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